Once I turned 50, I started venting my frustration at the irritations of life.  It felt good, so I kept doing it.  I call these periodic and hopefully humorous verbal tantrums Old Man Rants.

Today’s topic: my kids and their stuff:

My kids moved out. It wasn’t anything I said or did to them as far as I know. They both got jobs and boyfriends and off they went. ‘Tis the circle of life I guess.

I know some people jump for joy at the prospect of being empty nesters- but I think it’s over rated. Especially because when they moved out, they didn’t take all of their stuff.

It’s like they left a little piece of themselves here at home for us to enjoy, except that it’s actually a ton of stuff that I don’t enjoy. It just takes up all the space I thought I would have in the house as a consolation prize for them having moved out.

Now I have no kids at home and still no storage space. What the hell?!

It’s not just their closet-sucking stuff that’s irritating- it’s other kid based stuff that I don’t need anymore yet can’t get rid of.  Things like:

  1. Child proof caps

Traditionally easy for kids to get open, and a total pain for adults. And with no kids at home to protect from these meds- I want the option of getting my stuff in a plain old screw top bottle that I can open with no additional thought or effort whatsoever.

  1. Child locked cars

Maybe it’s just the particular brand of vehicles I have owned, but these things have always been a pain in the ass. Click once to open the driver door, click twice in your left hand to open the passenger door and three times in your right hand on odd numbered days of the month to open the back doors. Screw that!  It should be one click and boom- all doors open.

And while I’m on the subject…..

Back up beeps: 

These things are so irritating! It’s like screaming, “HEY HEY I’M BACKING UP!” every time the car is in reverse.

The thing is that most people don’t give a shit whether you’re backing up or not. They probably aren’t even around to hear the beep.

Ah- I feel better now. Thanks for commiserating with me- I gotta go run some punks off my lawn.

For more Old Man Rants and other stories of a more useful nature, visit and subscribe to Five O’Clock Shadow, an online magazine by Todd Fulginiti. I also post at Wise & Shine Magazine each Friday. For my music activities , visit www.toddfulginiti.com