The Garlic Press: Johnson Apologizes For Bagel Comments

by Todd Fulginiti

NEW YORK (GP)- Well-known cereal lover Charlie Johnson shocked the breakfast food community today by apologizing for disparaging remarks he made regarding another popular breakfast food- bagels.

Johnson spoke to the media today after pictures surfaced of him eating bagels at various local establishments.

When asked about the photos, Johnson said, “Yes, it’s true.  I’ve had a change of heart regarding bagels. They’re actually pretty good, especially toasted, with cream cheese.”

Johnson then addressed his previous, scornful remarks about the food. “I regret my comments about bagels. Not only were they wrong, I now realize they were hurtful to those who enjoy bagels. I apologize to bakers, the bagel-eating community, and breakfast food lovers everywhere for my insensitivity and divisiveness. As we move forward, I hope to unite cereal fans, bagel lovers, and the entire breakfast world, so that together we can increase breakfast awareness and make sure nobody starts their day without one.”

Reflecting on his journey from bagel hater to bagel advocate, Johnson said, “As you know, I was always a cereal guy. I thought bagels were bland, too heavy, and didn’t stay fresh long enough compared to my sugar-drenched, colorful, chemically preserved cereals. But as time goes on we change and grow as people. Taste preferences and nutritional cravings are part of that too.  At this point in my life, I prefer cereal some days and bagels other days.”

Critics believe Johnson’s actions are unacceptable, and accuse him of waffling. As a matter of record, Johnson confesses that he likes waffles too.

With such a drastic change of stance on the breakfast food issue, some wander if Johnson will ever be able to eat breakfast in public again without having egg on his face. 

Johnson is unconcerned. “I think we look at stuff like this the wrong way.” He said. “Decisions about what to eat for breakfast are complex. We should allow people to grow, learn, develop their thoughts and change their minds. Instead of calling them wafflers or flap-jackers (he meant flip-floppers), maybe people like me should be respected for having the courage to admit that they were wrong and that they’ve found a better way.”

If political norms are any indication, Johnson’s future hopes for unity are a long shot.  Even so, he will at least have started each day on a full stomach.

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