Have you ever been to the gym?  If so, then you probably know Gymy Jackass. (Pronounced: Jimee Jack-ass). And if you’re like me, Gymy Jackass has pissed you off many times.

Gymy Jackass is the guy (yes- it’s always a guy) who drops weights at the gym, making that loud, unnecessary and highly irritating CLANK at the end of his set.

Gymy’s the guy (again yes- it’s always a guy) who grunts loudly while lifting more pounds than he should.

Gymy’s the guy (male, every time) who stands alongside a machine talking loudly to their friend, not only tying up the machine you want to use, but also making it hard to ignore the conversation, of which you have no interest at all.

Gymy’s the guy (a guy every single time) who pushes the weight really fast in short motions instead of controlling the weight through the full range of the exercise.

And finally, Gymy’s the guy (no woman would do this) who struts around the gymn with his pecs puffed out on purpose and his arms lifted slightly, as if he’s got so much muscle that it prevents him from walking like a normal person.

I think Gymy Jackass is……a jackass. And I wish he didn’t go to my gym. Or yours.  But he does.  And it’s a real shame.

But I have a solution I’d like to propose.  Now don’t freak out right away- read the whole thing before making any judgement.

It’s called: The Women’s Gym**

At The Women’s Gym**, nearly all of the members would be women.

Why?

Because I have never seen any woman commit any of the Gymy Jackass infractions listed above.  Never ever. Not even one single time.

Women apparently know how to behave in a gym, whereas most men apparently do not.

Notice though that there are two asterisks in the name The Women’s Gym**. That’s where men come in, maybe.

The asterisk indicates that men can actually be gym members IF they can behave.  We both know they can’t, but in the interest of fairness, here’s how it would work for guys at The Women’s Gym**.

Men can register as members just like women. The following rules would apply to all members, both men and women.

Rule #1 Don’t Be Gymy Jackass

There are no other rules.

Consequences:

First offense- 2 week suspension

Second offense- 4 week suspension 

Third offense- 6 week suspension

Fourth offense- 8 week suspension

Fifith offense- lifetime ban

Offenses would be called out, recorded and managed by a Jackass Officer, who would be employed by The Women’s Gym**, with somebody on duty in that role 24/7.

Offenses would be cumulative over the life of the member- there would be no “resetting” or Jackass forgiveness.

Over time, the typical male’s inability to avoid being Gymy Jackass is going to get him banned from the gym for life, thus making it, for practical purposes- The Women’s Gym**.

This is what I think we should do to eliminate Gymy Jackass.

If you’re willing to become an investor and/or franchise owner with The Women’s Gym**, I would love to hear from you before Gymy Jackass’s asinine, CLANGY weight dropping causes me to go deaf.

But first , as is Old Man Rant tradition, I need to run some kids off my front lawn….

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