If you’re new to the Old Man Rant, here’s how it goes.  Once I turned 50, I started venting my frustration at the irritations of life.  It felt good, so I kept doing it.  I call these periodic and hopefully humorous verbal tantrums Old Man Rants. Let’s get to it:

Breach on The Beach

I’m not talking about nice things like dolphins breaching the surface as they swim by.  I’m talking about the irritating breach of personal space that plagues all beach goers at some point.  

Most times there’s plenty of room on the beach for everybody (especially if you go to the massive expanse known as Wildwood NJ!). So why is it then, that no matter where you set up your chairs and blankets, some jack ass always shows up half an hour later and puts his stuff within 3 feet of yours? The next time someone does that to me I’m going to ask them to help me rub sunscreen on my back.

Moe’s Burritos

Why does Moe’s Southwestern Grill even post a menu?  They only have 2 items listed; The Homewrecker, and a Build Your Own option.  That would be fine except when you order The Homewrecker, the cook walks you through all the options as if you ordered a Build Your Own.  So no matter what you do at Moe’s, you’re going to build your own burrito.

They should take the menus down and pride themselves on being one of the few eating establishments that doesn’t need them.

Hotel Windows

Apparently, we as hotel guests, are not trustworthy enough to manage windows safely. They’re all sealed shut! It could be a beautiful, chilly night but you have to run the AC anyway because the windows won’t open.

Life would be better if they had you sign a waiver upon check-in, saying that if you should choose to jump out the window and injure yourself-that’s on you.  Same goes for if a burglar crawls through your open window and attacks you.  At least it would have been your own decision!

Being Human

Humans pee. It’s an essential bodily function. And yet, when on the road or walking the city, we sometimes find ourselves in extreme discomfort as we look for an acceptable place to relieve ourselves. This is unnecessary!

Would it be so bad if we just discretely took a piss wherever and whenever we needed? Behind some bushes or a building, etc. No more uncomfortable car rides or going in to a pizza shop to buy a drink so you can earn the right to use the facilities. Think of all the water we’d save by not flushing so much!

Driving Tips/Public Service Announcements

1.  It is not necessary to come to a complete stop while making, preparing to make, or completing a turn in your car.

2.  It’s also not necessary to go 3 miles an hour over a speedbump unless you’re currently nursing a back or neck injury.  Your car will be fine and so will you.

3. If you go into the store while still parked at the crowded gas pump- you’re an asshole!

Ah yes- I feel much better.  Time to chase some kids off my front lawn.

For more Old Man Rants, plus articles of a more serious and useful nature, visit Five O’Clock Shadow, an online magazine by Todd Fulginiti.