The Garlic Press: Isotech Launches New Social Distancing App

by Todd Fulginiti

CUPERTINO, CA (GP)- This week brings the long-awaited release of a brand new health, wellness and social distancing app called Stealthy.  Designed by tech giant Iso, the powerful mobile app is aimed at improving both mental health and time/task efficiency for its users by enabling them to avoid undesirable social interactions.

Once downloaded, Stealthy combs the users contacts, text strains, emails and social media feeds for information.  The data is then compiled into personal profiles called drains.  The app can collect enough data to create drain profiles on everybody the user knows or has met.  Iso’s ultra-powerful location services are put to good use in the program by showing the location of all drains in real time, even if the drain doesn’t have a smartphone.  Knowing who’s around them at all times enables users to decide whether they want to engage with the drain or avoid them altogether.

For a practical example, say you’re running late but need to stop at the grocery store to grab a quick item.  With Stealthy opened up on your phone, you glance at the screen and see that your co-worker from the office is right around the corner in Aisle 2.  You know that engaging with that co-worker is going to involve 15 minutes of small talk, for which you have neither time nor desire, so you simply monitor the co-worker’s position via Stealthy, avoid making contact, and leave the store quickly to resume your day.

Harry Potter fans might best describe this app as something akin to a real life Marauder’s Map.

Drains are sorted as follows into color-coded categories, based on their desired avoidance level.

Red: most intense drain, long-winded small talker, judges user based on appearances (e.g. gossips to friends about how they saw you wearing flip-flops and sweats at the store with no make-up on and your hair in a messy bun).

Yellow:  these are drains that will small talk you for several minutes, but will not judge or spread rumors about the encounter.

Green:  the term “drains”, doesn’t really fit these people, as they will typically just say “hi” in a pleasant tone, then carry on about their business with no post-encounter judgements, gossiping or other non-sense.

Brown:  this color is for those who have passed beyond the polite detachment of green drains, to the point that they will not acknowledge your presence at all, even when greeted face to face.  These people are otherwise known as snobs and assholes.

Additional parameters for drain profiles can be customized in the app’s preferences.  Users can decide which characteristics to include by perusing a menu and turning the items on or off as desired.  Users not interested in political bickering can simply check the “politics” tab to have argumentative types pushed toward a red drain rating.  Likewise, fans of your favorite team’s most hated rival can be handled by turning on the “sports” tab.  The characteristics menu is extensive and even has a custom option where users can input new or original parameters for the app to consider.  The end result is a surprisingly complete and nuanced drain profile that users can trust.

Early reviews of Stealthy show that the app may be especially popular among teachers.   As acquaintances of the teacher, all students would have drain profiles and could be tracked for avoidance just like adults.  Teachers would then be free to drink beer in public, wear a bikini, use foul language, or do any of the other things people normally do- without living in fear of having their reputation trashed when they run into students and families who think they should have no life outside of school.

After initially being criticized as too negative, the Stealthy designers have added a “gold star” feature, using the same data-combing technology used to create drain profiles.  Gold star icons represent people the user definitely wants to see and connect with.  Possible gold star examples include a boss you’re trying to impress, a friend you haven’t seen lately, or an attractive co-worker you’d like to flirt with.  The gold star feature insures that users will never miss the social contacts they actually want to make.

Iso has always been a world leader in smart phone technology, but the Stealthy app has the potential to give users complete control over their time and social experiences.  The world may never be the same, and that’s a good thing.

Stealthy is available for download at the App Store, Google Play, and Iso’s website: http://www.Isotech.com

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