The Garlic Press: Animal Rights Group Forces End To Quarantine

Friday, May 1, 2020

by Todd Fulginiti

Washington, DC (GP)- Several states are set to act against expert medical advice this weekend by re-opening to business and allowing large social gatherings, despite the ongoing threat posed by the coronavirus pandemic.

Rationale for the states’ decision is unclear, but Garlic Press investigative reporter Dane Shepherd has learned of several secret meetings between government officials and members of a group known as NADA (National Association of Domestic Animals).  Calls to state officials were not returned but Shepherd was able to speak with lead NADA attorney Jack Russell, who issued the following statement:

“Since the national lockdown began six weeks ago, our members have seen a drastic lifestyle change.  We are exercising much more, often several times per day.  We are also eating much more, and being indulged with a greater variety of foods.  Most of these foods are unhealthy for us and yet we can’t resist them when they’re offered.  

We’re constantly bombarded with all sorts of attention. Most of us are groped and or fondled several times a day whether we are in the mood for it or not.  Some of us have even been subjected to more frequent grooming, including baths.  

This is an extreme contrast for us, since we are accustomed to spending most of each day alone.  Several weeks of this new situation has left us emotionally drained.  Physically, we bounce back-and-forth between the extra workouts and the previously mentioned over-eating.  Indigestion is a constant problem.

At the request of our members, the National Association of Domestic Animals has been petitioning government at all levels, to ease the quarantine restrictions put in place during the coronavirus pandemic.  We realize that this goes against medical advice, but frankly, as our members are not known to be affected by COVID-19, we are acting in our own best interest. We aim to strike a better balance between the lives we had before quarantine, and those we are dealing with now.  At the very least, we need to be left alone for a few days to recover from the stress of our new living conditions.”

Medical experts are not sure why the government would value the wishes of NADA over public health, but Shepherd believes NADA’s true influence comes directly from the homes of the political decision makers themselves. Millions of families throughout the country are animal owners, including policymakers. These animals have direct, everyday access to the public officials living in their homes, and are quite capable of charming their hosts into giving them what they want.

It remains to be seen whether or not the NADA community will reverse their position if human infection rates rise after the quarantine is lifted.  But for now at least, many NADA members will be content to once again sleep peacefully in their quiet, empty houses, everyday from about 9am-5pm.  Just like old times.

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