I have a dream that one day the world will run so smoothly, and human behavior will be so good, that these Old Man Rant columns will go extinct.  But sad to say, we seem to be nowhere close to that glorious day, so…..

All aboard for yet another edition of things that annoy me, otherwise known as Old Man Rants. Today’s topic is:

Parking Lots

Our society has proven that we can’t handle parking lots on our own.  We need help!  If I ran for office, my platform would propose parking attendants in every lot. Yes, this might mean higher taxes, but you would never again have to suffer through situations like this:

You’re in a line of cars as you pull into a parking lot.  

The car in front of you stops immediately to survey the obviously crowded conditions.  

You narrowly avoid rear-ending them, and are forced to stop with your car just far enough onto the lot that the next car to turn into it can’t see you.  

As you brace yourself for the impact from behind, the driver in front of you starts their slow progression down the double-sided row of cars.  

It’s clear that there are no spaces to be found, but they persist; looking carefully at every possibility, just in case.

You knew this would happen. It always happens.  

You take a deep breath and try to be patient.

But it’s a long parking lot, and they’re still looking for a miracle.

Screw patience- this is bullshit! 

The lane is fairly wide and you consider whipping your car around these fools, and heading straight to the outer reaches of the lot where open space is plentiful.  

But as your foot touches the gas, you see people.  They’re walking across the lot; coming out of several cars and heading all directions, like a disorganized army. 

You can’t make the move. Obscenities start to flow.

The slow speed hunt continues as you look to the open spaces further back in the lot.  You can see them!!  Can’t they?!

If Jesus could turn water into wine, maybe he could turn full parking spaces into empty ones.  Is that a good prayer?  

You decide it’s not.

But Jesus name doesn’t leave you completely as you start screaming profanity and gesturing to the drivers ahead.

“For God’s sake man there are no spaces here- can’t you see that!? THERE”S NOTHING HERE $&%#$!!!  The spaces are down the lane!!”

Five minutes later, the inevitable happens and the miracle-seekers make it to the land of plenty.

Again they slow, almost to a stop.  Which space should they choose?  

This time, you have room to quickly slide past them and into a spot.  You unbuckle your seat belt, get out of the car, and make it 25 yards across the lot before you look back at them.  

They just turned the ignition off and are looking for the landmark which will help them find their car when they leave.

A voice in your head tells you to calm down and just accept that parking lots are overwhelming for people. 

But refusing that voice is easy.  This whole thing is ridiculous! It’s a parking lot, not a Rubik’s Cube!  

The sad fact is: we need parking attendants in every lot.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go chase some kids off my front lawn.

Thanks for reading! Read more Old Man Rants here.

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